4 Fails At A Strip Club

It’s been a busy few months and since moving into the city it’s only gotten worse. I’ve had less time to blog ever since my lazy Sunday’s have been taken away by cleaning and furniture shopping (mind you I’m still on the hunt for a bed) and I’ve been working so late by the time I get out I just want to unplug. 

However, this weekend inspired me to get back on my blogging game…Why? Because nothing cures writers block like going to a strip club. Yep! If your looking to get laid don’t follow my lead. Here are my 4 fails at a strip club. 

 1. The Interviewer: As I was chatting with a few of the strippers (trying hard to not look down) I would try to change the subject to feel less awkward. For instance, when they said “Your beautiful! Would you like a dance?” I would say something like, “Aw, thanks but no thanks! So how long have you been doing this for?” “How long are the hours?” “Do you commute?” and my favorite, “Is there a dress code?” I was basically interviewing all the men. Needless to say, none of them got the job (Pun intended.)

2. The Mom: Some of the guys were as young as 21…MIND BLOWN when one guy told me he’s been stripping since he was 18. Naturally, I turned into a 60 year old woman telling him, he’s not gonna be cute and fit forever and that he should go to school. From there, I asked deep questions like, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” His answers made me want to give him a hug and tell him everything’s going to be ok, totally strip club appropriate.  I’m surprised I didn’t get kicked out for harassing the strippers, but wasn’t surprised when they walked away and started cuddling up to the rich 80 year old who didn’t ask questions… he paid up. 

3. The Stingy: I was definitely not being “cheap” on purpose, I had cash on me (you know, just to fit in…) But things would’ve been easier and less awkward if I could just hand them the bills. “Where’s the cashier?!” I thought. I didn’t want to be rude but I couldn’t get myself to put cash in someone’s Calvin’s. 

4. The Basic Bitch: Nothing’s says “I’m having so much fun!” like asking the half-naked bartender to charge your iPhone. When I ran out of juice I became just as anxious as the thirty men and women at that bar. To me, a full charged iPhone is the equivalent to an orgasm… it’s satisfaction guaranteed. “YES, YES, YES!” I softly screamed as the text messages started coming in. True pleasure. 

Another lazy Sunday taken away from me the next day as I knew it was time to go to the laundry mat. Uncomfortable and out of place, I found myself shaking 10 times more putting my quarters into the machine than I was putting dollars into someone’s boxer briefs the night before. I laughed and thought, “I don’t know if I’ll ever go to a strip club again, but I definitely need to find a new laundry mat…”

 

Actually, She’s Just Not That Into You.

Thinking back to some of our most beloved rom-com movies I find myself to be somewhat offended by the movie, He’s Just Not That into You. The story seems very sexist to me and, of course, one of the single ladies is played by miss solo herself, Jennifer Aniston. How ironic. A woman who remains not married on and off camera…and written off to be miserable about it. Why is it that we teach women to aspire to marriage but we teach men to aspire to careers? Not everyone wants to get married and marriage shouldn’t be seen as an accomplishment. Did it ever occur to people that maybe Ms. Aniston or us girls aren’t into the guy? That actually, she’s just not that into you…

1. If she’s not drunk texting you.
Exception to the rule: she’s just tipsy, her phone died, she’s in a coma.

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2. If she isn’t following you and hasn’t liked ANY of your Instagram pictures.
Exception to the rule: you don’t have a Instagram, your pictures are all WCW, you only have one picture.
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To The Guy I Was Sleeping With

In 2014 I slept with a guy multiple times without being in a serious relationship. Now before you roll your eyes and say to yourself, “well, duh of course this ends badly,” think of all the relationships that jump into something too fast and too serious; those also crash and burn. Trust me, I used to look back at it all and blame myself for the not so happy ending. I would think, “I’m hard on myself so I’m hard on others” or “I have high expectations for myself, so I did from you.” And while that could all be true, I still don’t think I could have done anything differently. You helped me let my hair down, but I could never let you in, with good reason. I no longer blame myself for the game you played and here’s why…

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You’re Not Taylor Swift. Put The Mic Down.

I was never a HUGE Taylor Swift fan, but I have to admit, I love her latest album. Mainly because it’s basically the story of my life…or at least this past year. It’s as though Taylor and I were bff and she spilt all my secrets on the 1989 album.  But, as much as I relate to her music, I try not to quote her songs on social media.

Here’s why if you have a “Blank Space” underneath your Instagram picture or Twitpic you should probably just come up with your own caption. 

1. Using lyrics to get real answers. You’re not going to find any answers by tweeting, “are we out of the woods yet?” Most likely he’s going to think you went hiking and got lost.

tumblr_lx06bl622c1qlyqom2. Tweeting how much you love him, then how much you hate him. This morning was all, “Sparks Fly” and tonight there’s “Bad Blood?” You kinda just look like a crazy bitch.tumblr_ngctp57tKX1rqu86vo2_500

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Feminine or Fierce?

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Topshop Dupioni A-Line Dress // Ted Baker Black Jacquard Jacket // Banana Republic Sparkle Collar Necklace // Jessica Simpson Carlin Bootie // Ted Baker Opulent Bloom Suit Jacket // Mary Frances Rosey Lookout // Steve Madden Elusive Pump

Topshop Mirror Embellished Slipdress // Mango Velvet Blazer // Kelly Shami Foreva Eva Ring // Donatienne Haylie Black Clutch // Pussycat Cropped Faux Fur Jacket // BCBG Chain Link Bracelet // Nastygal Lets Make Out Clutch

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New Years Eve: Dressed to the Nines

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The Little Black Boot

black bootie blog post

 We all get cold feet when trying something new. “Is it really my style?”… “Does it look weird on me?”…“Can I pull it off?” but the right little black boot can beat the cold AND complete an outfit. Sure, your stiletto open toe pumps are sexy, but shivering on a chilly day is the ultimate man repeller. Time to kick winter in the ass…

buckle boot

Buckle up bitches. A little black boot with buckle detailing gives you that trouble maker edge without the trouble of trucking through the cold with frozen toes.

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BFF Behavior: The Ultimate Gift Guide

She’s the friend that will always look on the bright side of things. That drunk text you made, the major work slip-up… no big deal. She will always lift you up whenever you’re feeling down and insecure.  She is a good girl but deserves not just a good, but a great gift.

ENAMEL Let Your Hair Down Compact // Silver street ‘roll of the die’ decision maker // I’m Wild, She’s Sweet, Tee-shirts // My Best Friend is a Human iPhone 5 Case

She’s the friend that can tell when you’re not being yourself. She’s older, wiser, and always knows the right thing to do…whether you like hearing it or not. She deserves something sophisticated with a little sparkle.

Best Friend Hinge Bangle // C. Wonder Bubbles Champagne Flute Glasses // ‘Diorific – Golden Shock’ Top Coat // Morgan Lane Starry Eyed Sleeping Mask

She’s the instafamous friend who has close to 10k followers but knows none of them are true friends and she’s always been your #1 fan. She’s supported your dreams no matter how big they are. You guys communicate through emojis and somehow it all makes sense. She needs something she’s really gonna “like”.

 Ban.do ‘Back Me Up’ iPhone 5 // Fujifilm Instax Mini 8 Instant Camera // IPhone 5 Women – Moschino // Fujifilm INSTAX Mini Rainbow Film

She edgy, a trendsetter, a badass bitch. She is the friend that helps you let your hair down and just have fun. She inspires you to be yourself and not care what others think. She’s getting a thoughtful trendy present this year!

Fashion Packed Life Luggage Tag // Comes With Baggage Bitches Clutch | Blue&Cream // Moon and Lola // BP. ‘Bestie’ Beanie Set // Best Bitches iPhone 5 Case Set