To The Guy I Was Sleeping With

In 2014 I slept with a guy multiple times without being in a serious relationship. Now before you roll your eyes and say to yourself, “well, duh of course this ends badly,” think of all the relationships that jump into something too fast and too serious; those also crash and burn. Trust me, I used to look back at it all and blame myself for the not so happy ending. I would think, “I’m hard on myself so I’m hard on others” or “I have high expectations for myself, so I did from you.” And while that could all be true, I still don’t think I could have done anything differently. You helped me let my hair down, but I could never let you in, with good reason. I no longer blame myself for the game you played and here’s why…

Why I couldn’t get intimate
My intimates, all over your floor, but that never made us intimate. Cuddling is something most girls LOVE, what I love to do, but lying in your arms felt like an awkward hug. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was nice, but honestly I wanted nothing more than to jump out of your bed and leave right after. I couldn’t “just be” or enjoy lying in your arms because your lies were the first red flag, reminding me to proceed with caution. I played it safe because I never felt safe with you. Shared secrets, fears, dreams and honesty… that’s intimacy. That’s something I never had with you.

Why I never texted
I think you enjoyed keeping score in this game we played. Who texted who first, how many times you texted me vs. how many times I didn’t text you. There were many moments I just wanted to shoot you a text, but knew you’d probably be high or in your words, “just want to bang.” You’d hardly ever text me on the weekend; it was always a weekday- usually Monday (red flag #2). So granted, I took much pleasure in ignoring your text messages or waiting 1 or 2 days to respond back. You treated me like your call girl, but you never had the balls to actually call. That’s why I never texted.

Why the dates never helped
All I said was, “let’s just do something. Let’s have fun.” I never needed a fancy candle light dinner or red roses … not like you would have given me that anyway. However, I appreciated the nice steps forward when you asked me to go to the movies or to grab sushi near my place. I couldn’t help but think maybe, just maybe there could have been something more between us than just sex. But then you took 2 steps back when you would honk outside and text, “I’m here.” You never came to my door, opened the car for me or walked me to my door at the end of the night. This time I felt less like your call girl, and more like your prostitute (red flat #3). I’ve experienced more romance just going out for pizza or chipotle, that’s why the dates never helped.

Why I wish you well
Although you behaved like an asshole with your actions, that never masked your insecurities and the truth is you are actually a decent guy behind that rough exterior. I think you’re smarter than you give yourself credit for. If only you took better care of yourself maybe someone would allow themselves to be more vulnerable with you and trust that you could take care of them. Someone who won’t be scared to get intimate with you, who will text you until her phones dies, and go on multiple dates with you. She won’t be me… but I wish you well.

When something complicated happens in life we often blame ourselves for the less than perfect ending. But it’s like you said, “it’s ok to not be perfect all the time.” Even with my hair down, I still came out of this as the same girl with the same standards. I might have lost the game, but I never lost myself. Game over, you can play on.

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